Red Green Meets the Warners
by Jesse Shearer
Summary: A crossover between The Red Green Show and Animaniacs. Red Green and gang try to get a cartoon show through Warner Bros. Studios and the Aniaminacs go to Possum Lodge for several segments.


A note from JMShearer: I'd like to start off by saying that the following is meant only to entertain, and not, by any means, to offend. Sure, a good number of the gags are more crude than usually found in this particular archive, but such is the nature the crossover, especially of The Red Green Show. It is all done in the name of humor, and not intended to offend or be bothersome.  
  
"The New Red Green Show" and "The Red Green Show" and characters created by Steve Smith and copyright S&S Productions  
"Animaniacs" and characters copyright Warner Brothers.  
  
Red Green Meets the Animaniacs  
  
Red Green characters:  
Red Green: "Head Honcho" of Possum Lodge, somewhere in midwestern Canada ("Possum Lake")  
Harold Green: Red's nephew, "producer" of "The Red Green Show"  
Edgar Montrose: Possum Lake's explosives expert  
Ranger Gord: Forest ranger, has manned Fire Tower 13 for 16 years without pay  
Bill: Possum Lake outdoor enthusiast, "Jack of all Trades"  
Dalton Humphries: Owner of "Humphries Everything Store" (junk lot)  
Mike Hammer: Ex-con in rehabilitation at Possum Lodge  
Moose Thompson: Character only refered to and never shown.  
  
Animaniacs characters (if you're an Animaniacs fan, these should be obvious):  
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: The Warner kids  
Plotz: "CEO" of Warner Bros studio in Animaniacs  
Slappy Squirel: Likes Edgar in story  
Newt: Lovesick Dachshound, "replacement Bill"  
Minerva: Object of Newt's affection.  
  
  
  
Scene 1: Second floor room of Possum Lodge, Red and Harold Green stand around discussing a recent event.  
  
Harold: Well, Unlce Red, I guess that cartoon series wasn't such a good idea, was it?  
  
Red: No, Harold, it wasn't. But then, it was mostly your idea. That was one major flaw there. Another was trying that Warner Bros. place first.  
  
Harold: Why do you say that, Uncle Red?  
  
Red: You're the one that said it was a sure thing, remember? That doomed it right off.  
  
Harold: Name one thing that went wrong because of me!  
  
Red: Remember the meeting with that Plotz guy? It was your idea that we bring Edgar Montrose with us...  
  
Cut to scene 2  
  
Scene 2: Plotz's office, Warner Bros. Studios. Red, Harold, and Edgar Montrose demonstrate the "Experts" portion of the show to CEO Plotz  
  
Plotz: So, what have you nice people got for me first?  
  
Harold: Well, this is the Experts portion of the show, where we explore the three most difficult words for men to say: (Harold points off into space as a large croud speaks)  
  
Croud: I Don't Know!!  
  
Harold: Quite right! Pretending to be an expert with my Uncle Red today is Possum Lake's explosives master, Edgar Montrose Our letter today comes from a college student in Brookings, South Dakota. He says: "My mom's always bugging me about a messy desk in my dorm room. How do I solve the problem?"  
  
Plotz: Good question. Continue, please  
  
Red: Well, I'd suggest cleaning it regularily and not letting it get too bad. If that doesn't work, I guess you could just not let yor mom in the room.  
  
Edgar: If this guy's from South Dakota, like it sounds, (Gets dumb look from Harold) I'd recoment a few ounces of C-4 and 500 yards of wire.  
  
Plotz: EXPLOSIVES!?!? Does he always recomend things like that?  
  
Red: I'm affraid so.  
  
Edgar: Well, yeah. When he hits the plunger, KABOOM!!! (a picture falls off a nearby wall, Plotz turns to look.) No more messy desk.  
(Plotz fretts over Edgar's explosive nature for a few seconds. Disolve: Red's face crosses screen.)  
Scene 3: Slappy Squirel's house, shot of Slappy in favorite chair.)  
  
Slappy: That Edgar's my kinda guy...  
(Disolve: photo of Harold's face crosses screen)  
  
Scene 4: Back in the room at Possum Lodge, Red and Harold continue talking about their time at the Warner lot.  
  
(Scene fades back to reveal Red and Harold back at the lodge)  
  
Harold: OK, so that didn't exactly go the best it could have.  
  
Red: No, Harold, it didn't. We nearly gave that Plotz guy a corronary, exposing him to Edgar like that. Fortunately, he was nice enough to give us a few more shots at it.  
  
Harold: Yeah. I thought taking those kids to see Ranger Gord at Fire Tower 13 was a good idea.  
  
Red: But then, you didn't have to clean up the Possum Van after we were done with it. I wouldn't have taken them if I'd known what Gord's lesson was going to be about.  
  
Harold: Let me guess, let me guess, let me guesss, did he teach you how to make maple syrup again?  
  
Red: Yes, but he forgot to tell us about the sick animal in the area.  
  
Harold: Sick animal? What was it?  
  
Red: Moose Thompson.  
  
(Scene fades to black for a few seconds as intro to scene 4)  
  
Scene 4: At the base of Fire Tower 13, Red and the Warner sibs, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, meet Ranger Gord, who has supplies for making real maple syrup.  
  
(Scene fades back in to show Red and the Warner kids approaching a fire tower, to be greeted by Rannger Gord)  
  
Red (within arm's reach of Gord): Hey, Gord, got some visitors for you. A bunch of kids from the States. I guess if I do a good job with them, we could get a cartoon deal with the studio they contract with.  
  
Gord: Cartoons? They still make those, huh?  
  
Red: Yeah, they do.  
  
Gord: Kids! I haven't seen kids in 16 years! But then, I've been stuck up in this tower for that long...  
  
Yakko: Doesn't he have a lesson for us, Mr. Green?  
  
Gord: Yes, actually I do. We're going to make fresh maple syrup. But first, let's get to know each other. I'm Ranger Gord, and this is my Fire Tower.  
  
Yakko(asside): Really? Hadn't noticed that... (To Gord) I'm Yakko!  
Wakko: I'm Wakko!  
Both: We're the Warner Brothers!  
Dot: And I'm the Warner Sister, Dot!  
  
Gord: Pleased to meet you all. Now, the first things you need to make maple syrup are a tree tap, a mallet, and a bucket, like these (Holds up the items).  
  
Wakko: Why not use my mallet instead? (Pulls bigger mallet out of shirt)  
  
Gord: OK, we'll use that one. Now we need to find a sugar maple to put the tap in.  
  
Yakko: Like that one conveinently placed three feet from us?  
  
Gord: That's the one.  
  
(All head over to tree in pan shot)  
  
Gord(attempting to drive tap into tree): Now we just have to get the tap in there...  
  
Dot: I'll hold it!  
  
Gord: Thanks. (Takes a few more whacks at tap) Boy, this one's tough.  
  
Wakko: Let me give it a try! (Pulls another mallet out of shirt and gets the tap in the tree with one swing. Sap shoots out and soakd Yakko.)  
  
Yakko: Eeew, thanks, Wakko.  
  
Dot: I always thought you two were kinda sappy.  
  
Red: Well, we'll just get you back to the lodge and cleaned up.  
  
Dot: What't that guy doing to your van, Mr. Green?  
(Scene stays on Red and Dot)  
Red: Oh no... It's Moose Thompson. It looks like...Oh, uhg! I'd say he was eating leftovers again! We'd better get outa here. Thanks for the lesson, Gord.  
  
Gord: Uh, no problem, Red.  
  
(Scene fades to black for a few seconds then fades back in to attic room with Red and Harold)  
  
Scene 5  
  
Harold: Well, OK. That was some nature lesson.  
  
Red: At least the renovation idea went better, despite Mike's odd ideas on how to handle it.  
  
Harold: What did he mess up this time?  
  
Red: He really wanted to put a chandler in the watertower on the Warner lot, so we took him up on it. Things fell all over the place.  
  
Harold: Oh boy. I hope noone got hurt too badly.  
  
Red: Well, Mike's out of commission for awhile, but we managed to repair most of the rest of the damage.  
  
Harold: This should be interesting...  
  
Scene 6: Red Green and Mike Hammer visit the watertower, bringing along a huge chandler, a few ladders, and an assortment of other tools.  
  
Yakko(upon seeing Red and Mike enter the watertower): Hey, it's Red Green again! Who's your friend, Mr. Green?  
  
Red: This is my friend Mike Hammer. He just got out of prison, and he's trying to reform, so we brought him along to do a home renovation section. What's today's project, Mike?  
  
Mike: Well, Mr. Green, today we're going to put a nice big chandler in here for these nice people. Right there in the center of the room looks like a good place.  
  
Red: That's the highest part of the celing, Mike.  
  
Mike: I know. We got ladders, though.  
  
Dot: How'll we get it up there?  
  
Mike: Red and I'll lift it up there, and Yakko there can screw it into place.  
  
Red: Wouldn't a pulley system do better?  
  
Mike: Nah, we're strong, right, Mr. Green?  
  
(Scene shifts to show Red and Mike near the top of two equally tall ladders near the celing, and struggling with the light fixture, with Yakko holding a screwdriver and waiting at the top of a third.)  
  
Red: OK, just horse 'er up there(grunts, as does Mike)...  
  
(Yakko holds screwdriver up to connecting plate, Mike's grip begins to slip)  
  
Mike: I'm losing it, fellas. Just let me get a better grip...  
(Mike shifts and the whole thing goes crashing to the floor)  
Mike: Aw, you were right, Mr. Green. That was a bad idea. I'm useless...  
Red: No, no, Mike, it was a good idea. We'll just go on down there and bring the light up again...  
  
Mike: You sure, Mr. Green? After all, I don't want to do any more damage to these kids' nice home or anything...  
  
Red: Yeah, sure, Mike. In fact, your being down on yourself might actually be worse. We'll jsut give it another shot.  
  
Mike: OK, I'll get started on my way down, then... (Misses first rung below him, falls from ladder and lands on Wakko)  
(shot shifts down to Mike[unconsious], Wakko, and Dot, scene fades to black then to room at Possum Lodge)  
  
Scene 7  
  
Harold: That's too bad. I hope Wakko wasn't hurt too badly.  
  
Red: He came out best of anything involved in the fall. Too bad about the light, though. That was a nice fixture.  
  
Harold: Did you get Mike to the hospital?  
  
Red: The Warners got him over to the lot's doctor. I went to tell the security guy at the gate to expect an ambulance.  
  
Harold: He seemed..., well, what's a nice word for dim?  
  
Red: I can't think of one, Harold, but the really interesting part is what happened on my way back to the lot doctor's office.  
  
Harold: OK, tell me about this one, Uncle Red.  
  
Red: Man, I thought Bill was a major health hazard, but he's got nothing on that Newt fella.  
  
Scene 8: Black and white, home movie style pictures taking place at various locations on the Warner lot.  
  
(Scene jumps to 'black and white movie' style footage of Red walking down a road on the Warner lot with Red doing a voiceover.)  
  
Red's Voiceover: Anyway, I was heading over to the lot doctor's office, and as I passed under one of the warehouses, a big rock fell on my head...(shot of Red getting hit on head by large stone [SFX: FF3 "stone magic" { pop, "S.M."} hit] and falling down. Newt comes down from roof and looks at Red.) Well, Newt came down and brought me around and explained that he thought I was someone else. This led to me explaining that it was obvious that I wasn't his intended target. (Red takes off his hat and points to it, then pulls on beard, as he speaks to Newt [silently]. Newt sees Minerva come by and gets distracted.) Of course I didn't see his ladyfriend come by untill she had already passed, so I was irked with him untill I saw her myself. That's when I did something dumb and decided to help him catch her. (scene shifts to road between two buildings, with Red on one side, Newt on the other.) I wound up going about fifteen feet from him, across the road from him to chatch his friend as she went off balance. Not a bad idea(shot of Red smiling), at least untill I saw him pick up another rock. Minerva came into sight, Newt threw that rock as hard as he could, and hit me in the head again.(SFX: FF3 "S.M." hit. Red falls to knees, puts one hand on forehead, balances on wall with other. Minerva pauses for a moment to help Red up and see if he's OK, then moves on. Scene shifts again, to one of Newt carrying a long handled net, with Red following him. Newt stops suddenly, and Red takes the handle of the net below the belt. SFX: dog toy squeak as Red doubles over and backs up a bit.) I should have known that net was nothing but trouble after all these years of running around with Bill and the rocks Newt hit me with. Newt wanted me to go in front of him again, but I kindly said I'd just stay where I was. Of course, Minerva came from the same direction we had, and thought it was kind of cute the way I was trying to help Newt get her. (Minerva takes ahold of Red's arm and asks what's going on. As Red explains, Newt whips around, and slamms the net down hard, over Red's head. SFX: FF3 sword hit {schweck}. Net breaks and hoop goes down around Red's ankles. Newt pulls on net handle, knocking Red down. SFX: FF3 miss {wiff}, S.M. hit.) Fortunately, Minerva was nice enough to help me up and even hand me a few rocks to throw at Newt. (Newt runs off as Red chucks rocks at him. SFX: multiple FF3 schwecks. Scene ends. Disolve: ducks swim across screen, quacking, replaced by Red and Harold in Possum Lodge room.)  
  
Scene 9  
  
Harold: Did you ever get back to the hospital? It sounds like you needed it as much as Mike did.  
  
Red: Yeah, I did. Minerva was nice enough to help me on my way.  
  
Harold: Really? What did Aunt Bernice have to say about that? Minerva was good looking, and I think things like that make wives jealous and stuff, and you're married and all, and you....  
  
Red: Oh, now, Harold! Bernice understood everything once I explained it to her. Besides, you've been exposed to too many families as is.  
(Scene dissolves with gas can falling to center screen and exploding)  
Scene 10: Wakko standing near wall in watertower.  
  
Wakko: I'm hungry...  
(Disolve: Wheel spins across screen to reveal next scene)  
  
Scene 11: Red and Warner kids standing next to sign that reads "Humphries Everything Store," with a junkyard in the background.  
  
Red: Well, here we are at Humphries Everything Store to see if Dalton has anything for the Warner kids, for their trip up here to Possum Lake. (Dalton Humphies enters scene) Here he is now. What have you got for us, Dalton?  
  
Dalton: Well, I couldn't let these kids in the store, so they woudn't get hurt, you know, so I brought some things out. For Yakko, I brought this antique red wagon(holds up rusty wagon).  
  
Yakko:(taking wagon) But it's just a rusty old peice of junk!  
Dalton: Oh, that's just a look. It adds value. I could sell that wagon for a good half dollar, easy. Now, for Dot, I have this nice doll(hands Dot a hairless doll in a tattered dress)  
Dot(taking doll): Where's her hair? And what happened to her clothes?  
  
Dalton: That just proves that it's been around awhile.  
  
Dot: But it's ugly!  
  
Dalton: Most collectors would love it.  
  
Dot: If you say so...  
  
Dalton: Finally, for Wakko, I have this nice large vintage 1930's grain sack. It's 100% burlap, and in fair condition, too.(Hands Wakko an old burlap sack)  
  
Wakko:(takes sack) But the bottom's out of it! I can't put anything in it!  
  
Dalton: That's why it's only in fair condition...  
  
Yakko: Ahhhh, thanks for the generosity, Mr. Humphries, but we'll just leave these here, with you.  
  
Dalton: Well, if you insist. You won't find value like this in many other places.  
  
Dot: I'd say.  
  
Red: Well, Dalton, thanks for the time. See you later.  
(Disolve: The Warner Bros. Shield crosses screen to reveal the back yard of the Possum Lodge building)  
  
Scene 12: Red walks along behind building, describing "Handyman Corner," untll he comes to "Handyman Corner" sign, where shot pans over to a fairground strength tester and the Warner kids, as Red follows.)  
  
Red(walking along untill sign): Well, not much to this Handyman Corner. The Warner kids wanted to play with a strength tester, so the guys in the lodge got one all set up for them. (Passes sign) Wakko, why don't you go first?  
  
Wakko(holding mallet): Sure, Mr. Green. (Hits lever, sends weight up to top of meter and rings bell.)  
  
Dot: You try it next, Mr. Green!  
  
Red: OK. (Gets mallet from Wakko, swings, and manages to get weight about a quarter of the way up the meter.) One more swing, then I'll pass it on to you, Dot. (Takes another swing, sends weight up same distance.)  
  
Dot(takes mallet): My turn! (Swings mallet and sends weight all the way to top of meter and rings bell) Your turn, Yakko!  
  
Yakko(takes mallet): Right on! (swings and sends weight up to bell, which dings) Try it again, Mr. Green! You can get it this time!  
  
Wakko and Dot: Yeah! You can do it!  
  
Red(gets mallet again): Well, I guess I can give it another shot. (Hits lever with mallet, sends weight only a quarter of the way up the meter again) Darn, still a "girly-man!"  
  
Dot: Hey, now!  
  
Yakko: Well, better luck next time.  
(Scene ends with all looking at strenght meter. Dissolve: Red's face crosses screen, reveals next scene)  
  
Scene 13: Red and Harold in upstairs room of Possum Lodge, finishing discussion of missing their cartoon deal.  
  
Red: In the end, I was kinda sorry to see the Warner kids go. It was kinda fun having them around.  
  
Harold: Yeah, it was. If they'd been older, they would have made perfect lodge members. Too bad about the cartoon deal, though.  
  
Red: Well, Harold, we're probably better off without it, though. I like my real life better anyway.  
  
(SFX: Hoarse squealing)  
  
Harold: Meeting time, Uncle Red.  
  
Red: Yeah, Harold, I'll be down in a minute. (Harold exits through door, stage left.) If my wife Bernice is reading this fanfic, I'll be right home after the meeting, and mabey we should look into that child sitting thing again. For the rest of you, thanks for reading, and keep your stick on the ice. See you next time, if I get another fanfic...  
  



End file.
